Are feminists really fighting patriarchy, or paying bribes to it?

"Why do feminists say, 'Don’t give dowry,' but like appeasing patriarchy for alimony?"

 

It is an uncomfortable question, isn’t it? But one that deserves to be asked. 

The idea of dowry being condemned by feminists, and rightfully so, isn’t controversial. But when it comes to alimony—a system that, in many places, seems almost like a reverse dowry—many of these same voices go silent. What is going on here? Is it simply about equality or something much more? 

As someone who’s been quietly observing (and occasionally questioning) the system, I couldn’t help but notice that divorce laws are often less about fairness and more about perpetuating age-old norms. And it is not just about money—it is about alienation, manipulation, and a lack of empathy. In this piece, we are going to explore this complex web through personal stories, facts, and figures, and perhaps, by the end, you will find yourself wondering too: are we fighting patriarchy or paying it off?

How are divorce laws skewed against men?

If you ask the average person about divorce, they’ll likely tell you that it's an equal battleground where both parties leave with a sense of fairness. But the truth? It is often far from that. In many countries around the world, divorce laws disproportionately favour women, particularly when it comes to financial settlements and child custody. 

I have spoken to several men who have found themselves drowning in the legal labyrinth, feeling like they have walked into a system designed to punish them for the mere act of separating. The issue is global, from India to the UK to the US. In many legal systems, a man’s earnings, property, and future income potential are open season for settlement negotiations. 

In a study by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), 61% of divorce attorneys reported that women are more likely to receive alimony. In India, cases of "cruelty" under Section 498A of the IPC ( now I believe it has been rebranded to another name and packaging) are often leveraged by women to rack up huge alimony payouts, sometimes without the need for substantial evidence.

What does this mean for men? 

Depression, bankruptcy, and a sense of alienation from their own lives. 

Picture credits -Khamkéo

Why are fathers alienated from their children?

I will never forget a story shared by a father named Ravi (name changed for privacy), who lost custody of his children during a divorce settlement. He recounted the countless times his kids were used as pawns by his ex-wife to extract more money. Even worse? The alienation tactics—slowly, his children were manipulated to see him as the "bad guy." 

It is not just anecdotal. According to the National Parents Organisation, around 82 percent of custodial parents are mothers. In countries like India, a father’s chances of gaining custody of his children are slim to none unless there’s irrefutable evidence of the mother’s incapability. 

For fathers, this isn’t just about losing money; it is about losing family. Alimony payments are tied directly to child support in many cases, which makes fathers feel like they are paying for children they no longer have access to. It is a devastating combination of emotional and financial loss. I am sure you have heard or read about such things happening around you.

What happens when alimony drains your soul?

Money is not just paper; it is security, identity, and, for many men, a source of immense pressure. When a man is forced to pay significant portions of his income in alimony, it’s not just his bank account that suffers. The emotional toll can be severe. Many men feel like they’ve been reduced to ATM machines, with little left for themselves, their families, or their future. 

Take the case of Tom, an American entrepreneur. After a bitter divorce, Tom was ordered to pay alimony that accounted for more than half of his monthly income. As his business faltered, so did his mental health. Tom spiraled into a deep depression and eventually declared bankruptcy. The irony? His ex-wife was still entitled to her share, even though there was nothing left to give. 

The effects are not just financial. A UK survey found that 37 percent of divorced men reported feeling depressed or anxious post-divorce, largely due to the financial pressures placed upon them. In India, where mental health support for men is even more stigmatised, the situation is dire. 

How did we get here?

The origins of alimony laws date back to a time when women had few opportunities for financial independence. Alimony was designed to support women who had sacrificed their careers for the sake of marriage and children. And while this made sense at one point, it is a bit outdated in the 21st century, where women now hold advanced degrees, run companies, and earn their own money. 

So why are these laws still in place? Why do we insist on a system that traps both men and women in roles that no longer fit the modern world? 

Could it be that, in our pursuit of equality, we have held on to traditions that benefit one gender over the other? And if feminists are truly against oppression in all its forms, shouldn’t they be the loudest voices calling for reform?

Why do we avoid talking about men’s mental health?

Here is the thing: when it comes to men and mental health, the conversation is woefully inadequate. Society still expects men to "tough it out," to "man up," and to handle adversity without complaint. But the reality is, divorce can have a devastating impact on men’s mental health, especially when they’re facing financial ruin, loss of custody, and the stigma of being the "bad guy." 

Many men don’t seek help. In fact, studies show that men are far less likely than women to visit mental health professionals, which means they are left to suffer in silence. And in cases where alimony is involved, the financial strain makes it even more difficult to access resources like therapy or counselling. 

I spoke to a man named Ali, who described feeling like he had no one to talk to after his divorce. He was paying nearly 70 percent of his income in alimony and child support, leaving him with just enough to scrape by. His friends, well-meaning but clueless, offered empty platitudes like "Just move on" or "You will bounce back." 

Ali didn’t bounce back. He spiralled into depression and eventually attempted suicide. (Important - if suicidal thoughts are in your mind, it is a signal for help. Reach out to a professional expert or a helpline immediately). 

What is even more heartbreaking? His story isn’t unique. In fact, a 2019 study from the UK found that men are three times more likely than women to commit suicide post-divorce, with financial strain being a major contributing factor. 

Are feminists protecting equality or privilege?

So, back to our original question: if feminists are against dowry, why do many of them remain silent on the issue of alimony? The argument often goes that women need protection in divorce cases, but in a world where many women earn just as much (if not more) than their male counterparts, is this argument still valid?

Some feminists argue that alimony is about "compensation" for the sacrifices women make in marriage. But isn’t that just a glorified form of dowry? Isn’t it about perpetuating a system where one party is "owed" something for their role, rather than creating a system where both parties are treated as equals? 

It is time we start questioning these double standards. It’s time we ask ourselves if we’re really fighting for equality, or if we are just perpetuating a new form of patriarchy—one where women still hold onto traditional roles but expect men to bear the brunt of financial responsibility. 

How can we create fairer divorce laws?

The solution isn’t to abolish alimony altogether. There are cases where it’s necessary and fair. But we need to rethink how it’s applied. Shouldn’t we consider both parties’ financial situations? Shouldn’t we take into account the mental and emotional toll of prolonged legal battles? And most importantly, shouldn’t we prioritise the well-being of children, rather than using them as leverage? 

Reforming divorce laws will take time, and it will require a shift in cultural attitudes. But if we are serious about creating a fairer society, it is a conversation we need to have. It is time to stop paying bribes to patriarchy and start working toward genuine equality. 

Share your views and ideas in the comment section below. 

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Why do feminists oppose dowry but support alimony? 

While many feminists oppose dowry because it enforces gender inequality, some argue that alimony serves as compensation for the sacrifices women make in marriage. However, this can be seen as perpetuating a reverse dowry system. 

2. Are divorce laws truly skewed against men? 

In many countries, yes. Men are more likely to pay alimony and lose custody of their children, which can have devastating emotional and financial consequences. 

3. How can divorce laws be made fairer? 

Divorce laws should be reformed to consider both parties' financial situations and prioritise the well-being of children. Alimony should not be automatic but based on need, and custody arrangements should aim for equality.

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Tushar Mangl - Advocates sound mental health for all, speaker, author of Ardika and I will do it.