Picture this: you are about to embark on a fantastic new opportunity—perhaps it is a job, a relationship, or even just a hobby that excites you. Deep down, you know it’s what you want. But then, right before you reach out, an inner voice says, “You are not good enough for this,” and suddenly you find yourself pulling away. The cycle repeats. Sound familiar? If so, you might be dealing with unhealed trauma, and it could be causing you to miss out on more than you realise.
In this article, we will explore the ways unhealed trauma impacts your life, subtly weaving its influence into the opportunities you miss, the connections you avoid, and the self-sabotage you perpetuate. By the end, you willl have a better understanding of why this happens and, more importantly, how to break free from this destructive cycle.
What exactly is unhealed trauma?
Trauma doesn’t always look like a catastrophic event. It can be as subtle as the emotional neglect you faced as a child or the constant criticism that chipped away at your confidence. Psychologists often define trauma as any event that overwhelms your ability to cope, leaving you feeling powerless. But here's the tricky part—just because the event is over doesn’t mean its impact is. The emotional wounds remain, hidden beneath the surface, silently shaping how you navigate life.
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), approximately 70% of people experience some form of trauma in their lifetime. That’s a staggering number when you consider that many of these individuals may never fully heal from it. What’s worse is that trauma tends to be cumulative. The small traumas—the rejections, the criticisms, the betrayals—build up over time, leading to deeply ingrained patterns of self-sabotage and emotional avoidance.
Why do we sabotage opportunities?
You have probably heard of self-sabotage. It’s when you engage in behaviour that actively prevents your success. Whether it’s procrastinating on an important project, ghosting a potential romantic partner, or declining a promotion, you somehow find a way to block yourself from achieving what you truly desire.
Picture by Joshua Rawson-Harris
So, why do we do this? The answer lies in the comfort of familiarity. If you have spent years, maybe decades, living with emotional pain or unworthiness, healthy and good things can feel uncomfortable—even threatening. It sounds paradoxical, doesn’t it? But that is the nature of trauma. It convinces you that the very things that could bring you happiness are somehow dangerous.
Here is where it gets scientific. Studies have shown that people with unhealed trauma are prone to a psychological phenomenon called “negative self-bias.” This means they are more likely to interpret neutral or positive situations negatively. So, when something good comes their way, instead of embracing it, they push it away because it doesn’t align with their deeply ingrained belief system that they don’t deserve good things.
Are healthy relationships slipping through your fingers?
Let us now talk about relationships. Whether romantic, platonic, or professional, relationships are a critical part of our lives. However, if you’re carrying unhealed trauma, healthy relationships may be something you unconsciously avoid. Why?ī Because healthy relationships require vulnerability, trust, and emotional openness—all things that can be deeply challenging for someone with a history of emotional pain.
Imagine this scenario: You meet someone who treats you with kindness and respect. Logically, you know this is how relationships are supposed to be. But emotionally, you might feel uncomfortable, even suspicious. “What’s the catch?” you might think. In reality, there is no catch, but trauma has conditioned you to expect the worst.
A study published in the journal **Emotion** found that individuals with unhealed trauma are more likely to misinterpret neutral facial expressions as negative or threatening. This misinterpretation extends beyond facial expressions and affects how they perceive behaviours, words, and actions in relationships. Essentially, your trauma is causing you to see threats where none exist, leading you to push away people who genuinely care about you.
Are you trapped in a cycle of self-doubt?
When trauma goes unhealed, it tends to manifest in your self-perception. Many people with unresolved trauma carry an internalised belief that they are unworthy of success, love, or happiness. These beliefs act like invisible shackles, holding you back from pursuing what you truly want.
Take a moment to reflect: How often do you talk yourself out of something by saying, “I’m not good enough,” or “I don’t deserve this”? This self-talk isn’t just a passing thought—it is a reflection of deeply held beliefs formed by past experiences. Over time, this self-doubt becomes so ingrained that it feels like second nature, preventing you from taking the very steps that would lead to a more fulfilling life.
A study by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) found that self-doubt is one of the most common byproducts of trauma. The constant inner criticism becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you’re not worthy, you will act in ways that reinforce that belief. Maybe you procrastinate, miss deadlines, or avoid taking risks, all in the name of "safety." In reality, you're protecting yourself from the possibility of success because success feels foreign and terrifying.
Is trauma keeping you stuck in unhealthy patterns?
Trauma is sneaky. It not only affects your thoughts but also your actions. Many people with unresolved trauma find themselves repeating unhealthy patterns, often without realising it. Whether it is returning to toxic relationships, falling into destructive habits, or making choices that don’t align with your goals, these patterns are all rooted in your unhealed emotional wounds.
Why do we repeat these patterns? In short, it’s because they are familiar. Humans are creatures of habit, and when trauma disrupts our sense of safety, we cling to what we know—even if it’s bad for us. In psychology, this is referred to as “repetition compulsion,” where individuals unconsciously recreate scenarios similar to their trauma in an attempt to gain control or closure. The irony is that, in doing so, they often retraumatise themselves, reinforcing the very patterns they’re trying to escape.
Consider the case of someone who grew up in an emotionally abusive household. As an adult, they may find themselves drawn to partners who are also emotionally abusive. On the surface, this seems illogical. But on a deeper level, the familiarity of the dynamic feels “safe” because it’s what they have always known.
How can we begin to heal?
If this all sounds familiar, you are not alone. The good news is that healing is possible, and it starts with recognising the impact unhealed trauma has on your life. Here are some steps you can take:
1. Acknowledge the trauma
The first step to healing is acknowledging the trauma exists. It is easy to minimise or dismiss past experiences, but until you confront them head-on, they will continue to influence your life.
2. Seek professional help
Trauma is complex, and healing often requires the guidance of a mental health professional. **Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)** and **Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR)** are two evidence-based therapies that have been shown to be particularly effective in treating trauma.
3. Practice self-compassion
One of the most important elements of healing is self-compassion. Instead of criticising yourself for your struggles, offer yourself the kindness and understanding you would offer a friend.4. Build healthy connections
Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. Healthy relationships can serve as a powerful antidote to the isolation that often accompanies trauma.5. Challenge negative beliefs
Begin to challenge the negative beliefs you hold about yourself. Are they really true, or are they the result of past trauma? By questioning these beliefs, you can start to reframe your thinking and open yourself up to new possibilities.What happens if you don’t heal?
It is tempting to sweep trauma under the rug and carry on as though it never happened. However, unhealed trauma doesn’t go away—it festers. Over time, it can lead to more severe mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Research from the American Psychological Association (APA) shows that individuals with unresolved trauma are significantly more likely to experience chronic mental health issues, substance abuse, and even physical health problems.
Moreover, unhealed trauma often passes down through generations. If you don’t heal, you risk passing your trauma onto your children, perpetuating the cycle.
Can you fully heal from trauma?
This is a question many people ask, and the answer isn’t straightforward. Healing from trauma is a lifelong process. You may never reach a point where the trauma is completely “gone,” but you can reach a place where it no longer controls your life. Healing is about learning to live with the pain in a way that empowers you rather than hinders you. It is about reclaiming your narrative and choosing to write a new chapter—one where you are no longer defined by your past.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
1. What are some signs of unhealed trauma?
Unhealed trauma can manifest in various ways, including emotional numbness, avoidance of certain situations, chronic self-doubt, difficulty trusting others, and a tendency to self-sabotage.
2. How can I stop self-sabotaging?
Stopping self-sabotage requires self-awareness and a willingness to confront the underlying causes. Therapy, mindfulness practices, and journaling can help you become more conscious of your self-sabotaging behaviours and learn how to redirect them.3. Is it ever too late to heal from trauma?
It is never too late to begin healing. Whether you’re in your twenties or your sixties, the process of healing can bring about profound transformation and improve your quality of life.
Final thoughts: Is trauma keeping you from your best life?
Unhealed trauma has a way of creeping into every corner of your life—your career, your relationships, your self-worth. It’s like an invisible barrier, keeping you from the opportunities, connections, and experiences you deserve.
But here is the thing: that barrier is not impenetrable. With the right tools, support, and self-awareness, you can begin to dismantle it, piece by piece. And even support/inspire others on the path.
Healing is hard work, no doubt about it. But imagine the life waiting for you on the other side—the life where you no longer sabotage your own success, where you open yourself up to love and joy, and where you truly believe you deserve all the good things that come your way. Doesn’t that sound worth it?
Because at the end of the day, you do deserve it.
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