Your Ability to Cut People Off and self-Isolate is Not a Skill You Should Be Proud Of—It’s a Trauma response
Summary
Why do we cut people off and isolate?
If you’re someone who prides themselves on “cutting people off” or keeping a tight circle, you might believe it’s a skill—a way to protect yourself from betrayal, hurt, or unnecessary drama. I get it. I’ve been there, too. But here’s the thing: this ability to isolate yourself is not as empowering as it may seem. In fact, it's usually rooted in something much deeper—trauma.
What we often don't realise is that these behaviors emerge because, at some point in our lives, we didn’t have anyone to depend on. So, we built these self-protective walls, thinking they were necessary for survival. However, while these behaviors shield us from short-term pain, they also trap us in long-term loneliness.
What is the real cost of isolation?
Let me ask you this: has isolation truly made you happier? The truth is, isolation and cutting people off can lead to even greater emotional suffering. According to research by Holt-Lunstad et al., social isolation can increase the risk of premature death by as much as 29%. When you distance yourself, you are not just dodging potential harm, you're also missing out on meaningful human connections.
If you’ve ever felt exhausted by how often you cut ties or how difficult it is to trust others, you are not alone. This isn’t resilience—it is survival mode. It is trauma masquerading as strength.
Also Read: Anger:Not just a Negative Emotion, But your inner Advocate for change
Is cutting people off really a form of self-care?
Spoiler alert: it is not.
You might think, “Well, it’s better than being let down or betrayed again, right?” But the truth is, real self-care isn’t about dodging people. It is about nurturing your inner self so you can engage with others in a healthier way. Just because you can shut people out doesn't mean you should. It may feel like you’re protecting your energy, but in reality, you’re stunting your emotional growth.
What is the root cause of these behaviors?
At the heart of it, many of us cut people off because we have never learned how to properly trust or depend on others. Maybe in our formative years, the people who were supposed to be there for us weren’t. Perhaps you faced emotional neglect or abuse, leaving you to believe the only person you could trust is yourself.
This belief becomes deeply ingrained, and as adults, we carry it with us, pushing people away at the first sign of vulnerability or discomfort. The irony here? Our defensive mechanisms stop us from experiencing the very thing we crave—connection.
Are these behaviors a form of trauma response?
Yes. Cutting off and self-isolating is a trauma response—specifically, a fear-based one. Trauma doesn’t always have to look like a singular, life-altering event. It can also be the slow, steady accumulation of emotional neglect, inconsistency, or abandonment.
These early experiences create an internal narrative that the world is not safe, and people cannot be trusted. So, rather than risking further disappointment, you preemptively cut ties before things even have the chance to go wrong.
Also Read: When Love Defies Logic
Is it time to stop pretending?
Stop pretending that cutting people off is a sign of emotional intelligence or maturity. Sure, there is value in setting boundaries with toxic people, but constantly living in a state of high alert isn’t healthy.
We need to recognise that we are not sparing ourselves from heartbreak by cutting people off. We are deepening it. So, let’s be brave and confront our demons.
How can we confront our inner demons?
The first step to healing is acknowledgment. You need to identify that the pattern of isolation is a symptom of past wounds. It takes courage to face these inner demons, but the reward is worth it—emotional freedom, deeper connections, and a life where you no longer have to keep looking over your shoulder.
Consider therapy as a tool to help you work through these issues. A trained therapist or counsellor can guide you through uncovering the origins of your trauma and help you develop healthier coping mechanisms. Many people have found healing in therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR), which are designed to address trauma.
Why is hoarding emotions as damaging as hoarding materials?
We have all heard about the dangers of hoarding material possessions, but emotional hoarding is just as harmful. When we hold onto grudges, unspoken hurts, or unresolved conflicts, it clutters our emotional space. We become emotionally bloated, leaving little room for healthy, positive experiences.
Have you ever tried to form a new relationship but found yourself dragging the baggage of every past friendship or romance that went wrong? That is emotional hoarding in action. It is time to declutter.
Can a simple act like planting a jasmine plant help?
You might be wondering what a jasmine plant has to do with healing. Symbolically, planting something living and nurturing it is a powerful reminder of the emotional growth you are aiming for.
Why jasmine? Jasmine is known for its calming, spiritual benefits. Its fragrance is said to reduce stress and boost mood. By planting jasmine in your garden, a park, or even a pot by your window, you are creating a daily ritual that reminds you of the importance of nurturing yourself and your relationships.
Start small. Nurture that plant, water it, and as it grows, so will your emotional resilience. It is a beautiful metaphor for what you’re capable of—growing, healing, and blossoming.
How can you stop hoarding and start living freely?
You can stop hoarding by letting go of your past emotional clutter. Here are a few steps to start:
Acknowledge your baggage: You can’t heal what you don’t admit. Identify the emotions or grudges you’ve been hoarding.
Journal your feelings: Write down everything you’ve been holding onto. It can be incredibly freeing.
Forgive others and yourself: You don’t need to forget, but releasing resentment will lift a heavy weight off your shoulders.
Focus on present relationships: Rather than worrying about how people have hurt you in the past, concentrate on building trust with the people in your life right now.
Why should you start building supportive relationships?
The human need for connection is undeniable. We are social creatures, biologically wired to form bonds. Yet, trauma can sever this wiring, making us afraid of the very thing that can heal us.
Building supportive relationships requires effort, but it is a vital step toward healing. Look for people who are emotionally available, kind, and supportive. Practice being vulnerable with them. I know that word—vulnerability—can sound terrifying, but it is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.
How do we stay brave in the face of vulnerability?
Being brave doesn’t mean living without fear—it means facing fear head-on. Vulnerability requires bravery because it opens us up to the possibility of being hurt. But it’s also the only way we can truly connect.
Think of vulnerability like ripping off a Band-Aid. It is painful in the moment, but the relief and healing that follows are worth the discomfort. And the truth is, being brave isn’t just about confronting others—it is about confronting ourselves.
What role does therapy play in healing?
Let us be clear: therapy isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a tool for strength. Whether you are battling old wounds or just trying to navigate modern life, therapy offers a safe space to explore your thoughts and emotions.
Therapists can provide the tools and techniques needed to rebuild your trust in others and, more importantly, in yourself. Consistent therapy can help you develop healthier relationship patterns and stop you from self-isolating.
Why should you stop pretending everything is okay?
Pretending to be okay when you are not is exhausting. I have done it, and it didn’t bring me peace. It is time to take off the mask and be honest with yourself and others.
You don't have to have it all figured out, and that’s okay. There is no shame in admitting that you need help or that you are struggling. In fact, it is the first step toward healing.
Is it time to plant your own jasmine?
It doesn’t have to be literal, but metaphorically, planting your own jasmine is about nurturing something positive in your life. Whether it is a hobby, a relationship, or your mental health, tend to it with care.
So, why not head out today and physically plant a jasmine plant? Watch it grow as a symbol of your emotional growth and healing. You might find that the act of planting and nurturing something beautiful gives you a sense of calm, purpose, and renewal.
What is next on your healing journey?
Your journey doesn’t end with a single revelation or therapy session. Healing is ongoing, but with time and effort, it becomes easier. Start small—open yourself to new connections, engage in therapy, and most importantly, be kind to yourself.
You are not your trauma. You are capable of healing and building meaningful, supportive relationships. Don’t let your past define your future.
Cutting people off and self-isolating might seem like survival strategies, but in the long run, they keep you from the human connections that you deserve. It’s time to confront your past, stop hoarding emotions, and start living a more fulfilling, connected life. You don't have to go through this journey alone—whether it is through therapy, friendships, or even a jasmine plant, the tools for healing are within your reach.
FAQs
- Why do I cut people off so easily?Cutting people off can be a trauma response rooted in past hurt or emotional neglect, where you learned to protect yourself by preemptively ending relationships.
- Is self-isolation a sign of strength?While it may feel like self-preservation, self-isolation often stems from fear and unresolved trauma, making it a harmful coping mechanism.
- Can therapy really help with emotional isolation?Yes, therapy can help identify the root causes of emotional isolation and offer strategies for building healthier relationships.
- Why is vulnerability so important in relationships?Vulnerability allows for deep, meaningful connections. Without it, relationships tend to be shallow and unfulfilling.
- What does planting a jasmine plant have to do with healing?Jasmine symbolizes emotional healing and peace. Planting and nurturing it can serve as a metaphor for your personal growth and journey toward healing.
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