In a bustling café in the heart of a nameless city, Maya, a kind but frustrated woman, learns a life-altering truth: kindness is no excuse for self-sacrifice. Amidst coffee cups and conversations, she meets Alex, an unlikely friend who helps her navigate the rocky terrain of self-respect, challenging society’s warped ideas about kindness, sacrifice, and silent suffering.
"Kindness is not about letting people walk over you." Now, those words would have been music to my ears... if I’d heard them back then. But like most epiphanies, it came a little late for me.
Back when I was blissfully unaware that my “kindness” could be my undoing, I was just Maya, a nice girl, sitting alone in a quaint café in the city, staring into my third cup of tea. I remember it was raining outside, a kind of soft, gentle drizzle that perfectly matched the soft, steady erosion of my own boundaries. If only my story had ended with a lovely scene of raindrops and chamomile tea, but no, it took a long, messy journey before I figured out that kindness wasn’t supposed to come with a serving of self-sacrifice.
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What happens when you stop saying “I am Okay”?
The thing with being “okay” with things you are actually not okay with is that it is terribly addictive. You start letting the little things slide, then the big things, and eventually, you’re wearing the kind of defeated expression that only an overused doormat could sympathise with.
My breaking point was a text from my ex, “Can we still be friends? I need someone to vent to…”
What do you mean vent? I am the one with a lifetime’s worth of complaints here!
But all I sent back was a simple “okay.” Why? Because somewhere, I had convinced myself that being a good person meant being willing to suffer quietly. Maybe you know the feeling. Perhaps you have even typed a few reluctant "okays" yourself, putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own because, after all, nice people just have to put up with things.
What happened when I actually said “No”?
That day, something shifted. I was jolted out of my soft silence by an outburst from across the room. I looked over and saw a woman, not much older than me, telling off a visibly frustrated man in a sharp, clear voice.
“No, I am not okay with that,” she said firmly, as though the words were the simplest things in the world. The man left, embarrassed, and she went back to her coffee, unfazed. It was inspiring in a way that made my heart pound. I was still mulling over it when my friend Alex arrived.
Alex was someone who radiated a mischievous energy. He was the type to question everything, an ex-philosophy major turned life coach who insisted that “saying no is the first step to self-respect.”
“You look pensive, Maya,” he said, stealing a spoonful of my whipped cream.
“I was just thinking about how ridiculous it is that people like me stay ‘okay’ with things we are really not okay with. I mean, why am I still texting my ex about his feelings?”
Alex laughed. “Because you are human. And you are trained by society to believe that being good means being a ‘yes person.’”
“Is it, though? I mean, can’t I be a nice person and still say no to this nonsense?”
“Yes, yes you can,” he said, raising his cup to toast the sentiment. “Welcome to the other side.”
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Are you being kind or just a human doormat?
Alex had a theory that most of us are kindness addicts, hooked on the feeling of being needed, terrified of being unkind. We’ve all heard it before: if you’re too kind, people will walk all over you. But honestly, that idea doesn’t hit home until you’re lying on the metaphorical floor, wondering how you ended up as a human carpet.
“So, when was the last time you told someone you weren’t okay with something?” he asked.
I thought about it. Couldn’t recall a single instance.
“Oh, come on,” he teased. “That is impossible!”
“Not really,” I admitted. “You know what they say…it is nice to be nice!”
Alex shook his head, exasperated. “Being kind doesn’t mean being spineless, Maya. It doesn’t mean you are at everyone’s mercy. Think about it! Wouldn’t the world be a better place if everyone just said what they were truly okay with?”
I looked down at my tea, wondering if it was too late to change. But a part of me knew it was never too late. There were too many statistics about people-pleasing and self-esteem issues—72% of people admit they’ve felt unhappy because they couldn’t say “no,” apparently. And here I was, just another statistic, right in that café.
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Why do we feel guilty for setting boundaries?
Over the next few weeks, I put Alex’s words to the test. It started small. I told a co-worker I couldn’t cover her shift—politely, of course, with no apologies. And you know what? She just nodded and found someone else.
My boundaries were like little flags I started planting around myself. And though I thought people would notice or even mind, they just kept carrying on. My friendships didn’t crumble, and my family didn’t hold interventions for my newfound “selfishness.”
But then came the true test. My ex—oh, bless his heart—messaged me again, suggesting we catch up over coffee. This was a man who had all but eroded my sense of self-respect, yet here he was, requesting my emotional availability. It was laughable. I was about to reply with another reluctant “okay,” when I paused.
No, I thought. This is exactly what Alex was talking about.
I tapped out a quick “No thanks, I’m not okay with that” and sent it. No explanations. No guilt. Just a clean, honest refusal.
And the world didn’t end.
Why do we equate suffering with goodness?
For some reason, society loves the idea that suffering in silence is noble, that good people bear burdens without a peep. But that idea had worn thin for me.
One night, Alex and I were talking about this over a few pints. I asked him if he thought kindness and silence should go hand-in-hand.
“Absolutely not,” he said. “Kindness is great, but not if it makes you resentful. That is just self-destruction.”
“So, what is the real difference between kindness and being a human doormat?”
He considered this for a moment, running his hand through his hair in that brooding way he had. “Kindness has limits. A doormat lets everyone in without question, without limits, until they’re worn out. True kindness? It knows when to say no.”
It was a game-changer. I suddenly realised that I had been equating kindness with unlimited tolerance, that my self-worth was tangled up with how much I could endure. And here is a fun fact: according to a study I had read somewhere, around 40% of people who struggle to set boundaries also experience low self-esteem. A doormat syndrome, if you will. But I didn’t want to be part of that 40%.
Can we really change after years of people-pleasing?
If you are wondering if change is possible, trust me, it is. It is tough and messy and comes with awkward text messages that make your palms sweat, but it is worth it.
I remember calling Alex one last time to thank him for opening my eyes. It was a misty Sunday morning, and I’d just turned down another invitation from my ex—politely, without guilt, for what felt like the hundredth time.
“Alex,” I said, “for the first time in my life, I feel... whole.”
He laughed. “You’re welcome, Maya. Now go forth and say no.”
Final thoughts
Are you really okay with things you are not okay with? Perhaps it’s time to ask yourself the tough questions. Because if there’s one thing I have learned, it is that being kind doesn’t mean setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. Being kind means recognising that you are human, with needs, limits, and a right to your peace of mind.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
1. What’s the difference between kindness and people-pleasing?
2. How can I start setting boundaries?
3. Why do I feel guilty for saying no?
Is it selfish to set boundaries?
Tushar Mangl is an energy healer, counsellor, and author of The Avenging Act. He writes about mental health, Vastu, and the art of living a balanced life, promoting a greener, better society.
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