The introvert me

Excerpt from the Diary of Tushar Mangl Tuesday, June 12, 2007, 10:15 AM

This entry delves into the inner turmoil of being an introvert, the challenges of communication, and the writer’s quest for self-understanding amidst societal judgments.

"Tell me what's on your mind?" she asked.

I replied, "Nothing."

"Why do you have to be so introverted?" she shouted, exasperated.

"Why do you keep everything inside you? You know what... it kills!"

I responded, "It already has."

One of the many burdens I carry is my introversion—something I cannot change. How can one alter their very core? This is the paradox of my life. I have always viewed communication as a powerful tool to address countless problems in life. I’ve written extensively about it, received varied feedback on my communication skills, and even garnered praise for my writing. Yet, here I stand, realizing that my introversion has cast a shadow over my future.

Introverts struggle to express themselves effectively. Reflecting on my solitary life, everything seems so challenging, and dreams remain hazy. In every test of life, I failed, simply because I couldn’t communicate. Even when someone praised my writing, I didn’t feel elated. Instead, I would wonder why I only wrote 20 percent of what was truly in my mind.

Perhaps I am as difficult as many have pointed out. But no one is born difficult. Is there an explanation for this? I have never been able to answer the countless criticisms I have faced. Then there’s the perception of ego. People assume it’s there, but I have no response to their assumptions. I am simply shy.

Someone once advised me to change. But why should I? God made me this way. If his will is for me to suffer, then so be it. Whenever the worst happens, I wonder when it will end. The silent sufferings, the yearning to reach out, and the only answer I hear is ‘death.’ I was born to suffer and will die suffering. Despite trying innumerable times to overcome this deficiency, I remain an introvert. They say I’m egoistic, that I lead a lonely life, and that I am destined to endure this pain.

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What's Happening?

Life is good. At least it looks good. I am residing in the capital region of India these days and its turning out to be a good ride.

Back home Punjab is a wealthy state. Here the glamor of money is different. Its like India was never a poor country.

I miss writing. Really do. Shifting here has paused development of all my upcoming books. And it makes me very sad. Soon however a new book would be launched. I am scraping away time and collecting my focus. Spring motivates you to write like nothing else. I wrote both The Thakur Boy and The Avenging Act in spring of 2007 and the weather always makes me yearn to write more.

Food here is awesome and I have rediscovered the foodie in me.

First Published on 30/03/2015 17:11

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About Tushar Mangl: Tushar Mangl is an healer, counselor, and author who writes on business, investments, personal finance, Vastu, mental health, food, leisure, and creating a greener, better society. He is the author of Ardika and I Will Do It.